This was something I started a while ago. Fun because it's sort of a silly form thing, but shouldn't feel as dull / stale as some of those tend to.

Just 50 facts about myself, ranging from random to more random.

Feel free to come up with 50 of your own, but try to give me credit ;D And as always, feedback is appreciated.

50 things

I've played Final Fantasy 7, and didn't like it.
I've waxed my eyebrows. . . off.
I've fallen asleep standing up.
I've been engaged after two years, only to have things fall apart.
I've been bitten by a german shepherd.
I've snuck into a public pool with some friends through a hole in the fence.
I drink diet soda because I eat enough junk as it is.
I've bought a birthday cake for my dog.
I've been to Japan.
I've eaten pickles with ketchup.
I've watched a whole season of anime, 26 episodes, in one sitting.
I have a navel piercing.
I'm interested in psychology, human and canine.
I've seen seven seasons of Scrubs, in order.
I've slept to avoid a responsibility.
I've mocked someone for being unsuccessful at something I can't do.
I've waltzed in perfect unison with someone without practice.
I've waited in line for 20 hours for the Wii release.
I've changed my preference from pepsi to coke.
I prefer New York to Boston.
I've whistled the "Kill Bill" song.
I've been on probation.
I've cried on my birthday.
I've kissed someone on a skyway cable car.
I've gone on a water ride wearing a white shirt.
I've gone to the ice cream parlor in the winter.
I've played a hentai game where you play as a guy.
I've memorized a whole song in Japanese.
I've always been bad at retro Mario games.
I've fallen for someone after they specifically told me not to.
I've gotten a tattoo on impulse.
I've realized the dryer was broken AFTER I ran ALL of my clothes through the wash.
I've kissed someone goodbye in the airport.
I've run circles around my house in excitement at the first snow.
I've never met my birthmom, but I'd like to.
I've sung enthusiastically when I was sick, though I knew I was.
I've said "I'll never drink again!" while inebriated--on more than one occasion.
I've danced "Caramelldansen" in the car, even as we passed a police cruiser.
I've cried because I couldn't understand why someone didn't like me.
I've had dreams containing events that happened retroactive to the dream.
I've had my opinion on certain bands / songs drastically changed by friends.
I've listened to the Beatles album Revolver. . . on a record player.
I screamed out loud in jubilation when Michael Jackson was deemed "innocent". . .
and when Michael Vick was convicted for fighting pit bulls
and when Obama won the 2008 election
and when dog racing was outlawed, and marijuana (somewhat) decriminalized, in MA.
I still go to my high school Anime Club, though I graduated nearly 3 years ago.
I've realized that animals tend to have a strange affinity toward me. <3
I got a darn good score on the SATs, but mostly in English/Writing.
I'm in love.

Hopefully doing something like this as a not-friends-only entry will bring back life to my LJ. . .

Steal it if you want; it wasn't mine originally, anyway.

- Get your music going, and set your player on shuffle
- Post the first lines of the first 20 10 songs to come up
- See how many people on your FL can guess the song names

1. Well we go back so far, swingin' in your backyard, all the things that we used to do.
2. You're way too beautiful, girl, that's why it'll never work.
3. Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see.
4. She's not afraid, she just likes to use a night light.
5. It's way too late to be this locked inside ourselves.
6. Find yourself a girl and settle down, live a simple life in a quiet town.
7. I'm holding on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground.
8. What y'all wanna do? Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers?
9. This is the greatest and best song in the world's. . . tribute.
10. I've been awake for a while now, you got me feeling like a child now.

Such a spazzy collection of music. Ah well, guess away~!


PS someone buy me a scanner. I miss art ^^;

Heyy, me again. I don't really like myself or my life right now, so I think I'm going to make (most) everything friends-only from this point on.

Post here, on this entry, if I don't have you friended and you want to hear what I have to say.

But be forewarned, these are hard times.

I still love all of you. :/ Maybe I'll post a "friends-only" picture on this entry eventually.

Last Thursday, a week ago tomorrow, I walked briskly through the sliding doors of the pet store that accommodated the grooming salon in which I worked. My head was adorned with the fluffy white base of a silky red hat, a white pouf of the same material as its base trim dangling over my shoulder, along with my two-to-three-sizes-too-large smock--the look was somehow awkwardly flattering.

I walked with a skip in my step into the abrupt end of a job I had held for seven months. A job I had made sacrifices for, both in hobbies and social life. A job I had loved, even through difficult customers and the complaints that came in words of my own.

I walked out those same sliding doors that Thursday, as I did five days a week, just eight minutes after I'd arrived as opposed to the usual eight hours. I stepped into the winter-dark parking lot not with the usual half-tiredness, half-excitement at the thought of returning home and feeling of small accomplishment, but with a small partial-week paycheck in my hands, a soft red hat tucked under my arm and a damp face made cold by the gentle cold of the wind blowing leaves about the parking lot.

It didn't take a lot to convince Nick to walk outside so I could pick him up. I told my parents about the job and Nick and I sat around in the basement for a while. Then I had the idea to call Joe. We looked up his number and, surprisingly, he was free from school and work.

The three of us picked up the highway into Boston. I drove with Nick in the passenger seat, Joe in the back. The ride there was fairly uneventful, sans Nick and my endless quoting of Scrubs, and my heartbeat quickening as I leaned over Nick and whispered to him that I was interested in Joe.

We parked in an overpriced parking garage and took an elevator up to the Prudential. The large book store held our interest for a while, as we browsed the manga section. I stumbled over words on occasion, trying to act as normal as possible. I had talked to Nick about asking Joe, and he had, reluctantly, agreed. One way or another, as every excursion, we wound up at the restrooms. Joe headed in and I briefed Nick on things he already knew, and as Joe came out, I darted into the ladies' room. Locked in a stall, heart and mind racing in a blur, a voice that could only be Nick's filled the ladies' room from the outside. "YES!"

Not expecting an answer, especially not the one I had just heard--had I heard it? No, I must have--I washed my hands quickly and walked out the door.

"Did you hear what I shouted?" Nick asked, looking at me. Eyes to the floor, I shook my head and tried not to look flustered. "He said yes." I looked at Joe, my expression one of wonder. "Really?" If my heart quickens a bit more it's sure to stop, I thought. He was smiling. "Yeah." He threw his arm around my shoulders and I tried to relax as I looped my arm around the middle of his back.

I don't think I lost anything on Thursday.

- Get your music going, and set your player on shuffle
- Post the first lines of the first 20 songs to come up
- See how many people on your FL can guess the song names

( Click for songs! )

Start guessin'. . . ?

If no one gets certain ones, I'll just tell you.

But wait a couple days first.

To quote an entry from very long ago,
"I think that sometimes when I feel hurt, I get angry. I don’t know how to tell people how I feel. I can’t just say, look, I know what you’re doing is totally logical, but I wish it weren’t. I wish I could. I wish I could just work that lump out of my throat and say what I want to, instead of feeling the dulled sadness in my voice as I say goodbye before hanging up the phone."

I've gotten better about being more understanding about the things people need to do, but that doesn't mean it's easier. Before, I had stability--a sureness that the important things in my life were there for good. Now I see that that isn't necessarily going to always be the case. The ring I wear bears a different meaning, and I understand that a job can be lost for reasons in or out of your own power.

In all honesty, what I want is for everyone who used to know me to read this entry, and see that I'm still Kes. That, yes, I had an apartment, and a job, and somehow I pulled it all off, but I'm no different. I still need support, and I still need love.

And, as tacky as it sounds, what that all really means is
I still need Steve.

I wish I could read signs better; maybe that way, I'd be able to tell if I'm already too late.

But you can be sure that I'll still be here waiting--poised, tail wagging--when you're ready to make a decision.

Perhaps I am too canine, remembering only the good things and not the bad. But I've learned from the experiences--and never will I lick the face of another, even as I wait. My haunches will stay on the ground, shoulders pivoting left or right to avoid the attempted head-pat from the occasional passing stranger. Somehow, my instincts tell me that, though an inviting lap and a friendly smile are tempting, there is only one I should follow home.

The insomnia is gone.

By 2:00 AM I'm extremely tired (last night I actually fell asleep before 11:00, on the couch watching a movie, though I had to get up to shower and get into bed).

Steve is doing really well.

I saw a movie with him last Saturday a week ago. Well, we didn't really watch the movie--we walked outside together, doing a lot of catching up. Seeing him made me feel like maybe my old life wasn't completely gone. And I should be able to see him pretty much weekly, which'll be really great.

Stuff with Andrew's going well. I like being around him. We have fun together, whatever we do.

I got a new cat named Lumina, all-white with blue eyes and very pale orange stripes at the end of her tail, along with very pale orange ears. Ryouga. . . disappeared. . . so we got Lumina quite a while later, like a few weeks or a month.

God, this summer's been so long and eventful. It started out pretty terrible, but the outcome was good.

Especially because I stole the water bottle Die was given for his meet-the-band session (though he never drank out of it/opened it, I think he touched it, and he's my favourite :o). Some crazy fangirl (who seemed reasonably nice in the end) tried to steal it, though, and she seemed pretty intent on keeping it. That scared me a lot, and I felt myself about to cry. I got to shake Kaoru and Die's hands (before I stole the water bottle) and touch one of Shinya's drumsticks. I also bought their album, signed, which was only $20 and really hawt (and was my "ticket" into the meet-the-band thing). Die's signature looks all curly and feminine (I'll scan it if someone reminds me).

I'm so excited for Dir en grey to be in Boston on the 16th and for Pokemon Mystery Dungeon to be released two days later (I preordered it! :nerd:)

Everything's going well, though I need to submit job applications to LazerZone, Fun and Games, and Petco, and I feel ready for autumn for the first time in my life.

1) Bold what is true about you.
2) Italicize what you wish was true about you.
3) +Add+ one true thing about you to the end of the list.
4) Tag five LJ friends. On second thought, that part doesn't need to be there. :P


* I miss somebody right now.
* I don't watch much TV these days.
* I own lots of books. (does manga count?)
* I wear glasses or contact lenses.
* I love to play video games. (Poké-loser)
* I've tried marijuana.
* I've watched porn movies. (I'm gonna decide that hentai doesn't count for this one. :D)
* I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
* I believe honesty is always the best policy.
* I curse sometimes.
* I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. (impatient to be engaged. . .)
* I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
* I have broken someone's bones.
* I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
* I hate the rain. (so much! it's so cold and wet and horrible.)
* I'm paranoid at times.
* I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
* I need/want money right now. (saving for too many things. . .)
* I love sushi.
* I talk really, really fast. (especially when high on caffeine)
* I have fresh breath in the morning.
* I have long hair. (It was waist-length for a while, but it was annoying to take care of and always getting in the way.)
* I have lost money in Las Vegas. (when I was a kid I really wanted to gamble, but it's lost its appeal to me now.)
* I have at least one sibling.
* I was born in a country outside of the U.S. (because everyone makes fun of fat Americans. TT)
* I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
* I couldn't survive without Caller I.D. (I use it to avoid stalkers, whee~)
* I like the way that I look.
* I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months.
* I am usually pessimistic. (I'm usually realistic)
* I have a lot of mood swings.
* I think prostitution should be legalized. (why not. . .?)
* I slept with a roommate. (because if I had, well, it'd mean Steve were my roommate, and that'd be awesome.)
* I have a hidden talent.
* I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have. (I used to be, but now I think hyper people are kind of irritating)
* I have a lot of friends. (although not many of there are close to me)
* I have pecked someone of the same sex.
* I enjoy talking on the phone.
* I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants. (I change into PJs as soon as I'm home, but until then, I'm in jeans or tacky goth pants. . .)
* I'm obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal.
* I don't hate anyone.
* I'm a pretty good dancer.
* I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother. (not completely embarassed, but vaguely so [isn't everyone?])
* I have a cell phone.
* I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
* I've rejected someone before.
* I currently love someone.
* I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life. (I have an idea, but it's vague. . .)
* I want to have children in the future.
* I have changed a diaper before.
* I've called the cops on a friend before.
* I'm not allergic to anything. (don't even get me started. . .)
* I have a lot to learn. (starting with Russian and how to control my temper.)
* I am shy around the opposite sex.
* I’m online 24/7, even as an away message. (not quite 24/7, but close to it.)
* I have at least 5 away messages saved. (but they're all probably boring.)
* I have tried alcohol or drugs before.
* I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.
* I own the "South Park" movie.
* I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal.
* I enjoy some country music.
* I would die for my best friends.
* I'm obsessive, and often a perfectionist.
* I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
* Halloween is awesome because you get free candy. (I miss being little. . .)
* I have dated a close friend's ex. (and regret it to this day. . .)
* I am happy at this moment. (actually, I'm kind of paranoid)
* I’m obsessed with guys.
* Democrat.
* Conservative Republican. (aww, vomiting blood now <3)
* I am punk rockish.
* I go for older guys/girls, not younger.
* I study for tests most of the time.
* I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I’ve ever met.
* I can work on a car.
* I love my job. (I wish I had a job. . .)
* I am comfortable with who I am right now. (I'm not sure.)
* I have more than just my ears pierced.
* I walk barefoot wherever I can. (I love the feeling of being barefoot)
* I have jumped off a bridge.
* I love sea turtles.
* I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup.
* I plan on achieving a major goal/dream. (although I'm not yet sure what. . .)
* I am proficient on a musical instrument.
* I hate office jobs. (whatever, a job is a job)
* I went/want to go to college out of state.
* I am adopted.
* I am a pyro.
* I have thrown up from crying too much.
* I have been intentionally hurt by people that I loved.
* I fall for the worst people and have been hurt every time.
* I adore bright colors.
* I usually like covers better than originals. (it depends on the cover. . .)
* I hate chain theme restaurants like Applebees and TGIFridays. (whatever, food is food. . .that sounded familiar. . .)
* I can pick up things with my toes.
* I can't whistle.
* I have rode/owned a horse. (I wish I had a horse, they're cool, and I rode when I was younger; it was fun but I was terrible at it ^^;)
* I still have every journal I’ve ever written in. (I should go dig up the journals I kept when I was a kid.)
* I talk in my sleep. (I think I did when I was really little.)
* I've often thought that I was born in the wrong century.
* I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions. (can you blame me for being depressed? x_x)
* I wear a toe ring.
* I have a tattoo. (I was going to get one, but apparently you need to be eighteen in this state, it doesn't matter if your parents say it's okay.)
* I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work(ed) with.
* I am a caffeine junkie. (I used to drink only Pepsi. it was kinda gross.)
* I am completely tree-huggy spiritual, and I'm not ashamed at all.
* If I knew I would get away with it, I would commit at least one murder.
* I cosplayed or know what cosplaying is.
* I have been to over 15 conventions.
* I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
* I enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner.
* I'm an artist. (I wish I were a good one.)
* I am ambidextrous. (although I'd like to be left-handed. . .)
* I sleep with so many stuffed animals, I can hardly fit on my bed.
* If it weren't for having to see other people naked, I'd live in a nudist colony.
* I have terrible teeth. (they're shitty and yellow and I have braces. TT)
* I hate my toes. (I used to, but now they're just kinda there.)
* I did this Meme even though I wasn't tagged by the person who took it before me.
* I have more friends on the internet than offline.
* I have lived in either three different states or countries.
* I am extremely flexible. (a little flexible ;3)
* I love hugs more than kisses. (I love them both!)
* I want to own my own business.
* I smoke.
* I spend way too much time on the computer than on anything else.
* Nobody has ever said I'm normal. (no one has ever said it and stuck with it)
* Sad movies, games, fics and the like can cause a trickle of tears every now and then. (only if I can relate)
* I am proficient in the use of many types firearms and combat weapons.
* I like the way women look in stylized men's suits. (especially old-fashioned outfits)
* I don't like it when people are unpleased or seem unpleased with me.
* I have been described as a dreamer or likely to have my head up in the clouds.
* I have played strip poker with someone else before.
* I have had emotional problems for which I have sought professional help.
* I believe in ghosts and the paranormal.
* I can't stand being alone. (Borderline Personality disorder. . . I wish I enjoyed being alone. D:)
* I have at least one obsession at any given time. (Many are too short-lived)
* I weigh myself, pee/poo, and then weigh myself again.
* I consistently spend way too much money on obsessions-of-the-moment. (well, sometimes)
* I'm a judgmental asshole.
* I'm a HUGE drama-queen. (not particularly)
* I have traveled on more than one continent.
* I sometimes wish my father would just disappear. (even though I hatemyself for it)
* I need people to tell me I'm good at something in order to feel that I am. (lack-of-confidence)
* I am a Libertarian.
* I can speak more than one language. (Not well enough to matter)
* I can fall asleep even if the whole room is as noisy as it can be.
* I would rather read than watch TV.
* I like reading fact more than fiction.
* I have pulled an all-nighter on an assignment I was given a month to do.
* I have no piercings.
* I have spent the night in a train station or other public place.
* I have been so upset over my physical gender that I cried. (not cried, but I have been upset)
* I once spent Christmas completely alone because there was a miscommunication on which parent was supposed to have me that night.
* I've been married and am now divorced. (that would be creepy at eighteen XD)
* There have been times when I have wondered "Why was I born?" and may/may not have cried over it. (D: stupid adoption.)
* I like most animals better than most people. (people interest me, but animals make for far less complicated relationships)
* I own a collection of retro games consoles. (though I'm not sure if they work or not--is Dreamcast retro yet? The ones that may not work are my NES and SNES. . .)
* The thought of physical exercise makes me shiver. (DDR is fun!)
* I have hit someone with a dead fish. (fish smell funny. . . ew)
* I have written/read erotic stories. (I've been meaning to write a Jack Sparrow x Will Turnet one for a while. . .)
* I am compulsively honest.
* I was born with a congenital birth defect that has never been repaired.
* I have danced topless in front of dozens of complete strangers. And not been ashamed.
* I have gone from wishing I was a boy to reveling in being a girl to feeling like a boy again in the span of five minutes, and not cared a whit for my actual sex. (well, I didn't TIME it, but. . .)
* I am unashamedly bisexual, and have different motivations for my desires for different genders. (that's an amazing description of me!)
* I sometimes won't sleep a whole night or eat a whole day because I forget to. (damn you insomnia/anorexia! XD)
* I find it impossible to get to sleep without some kind of music on.
* I dislike milk.
* I obsessively wash my hands. (God, I hate that.)
* I always carry that something significant around with me. (which happens to be a ring. . .)
* Sometimes I'd rather wear a wig in day-to-day life than use my own hair.
* I've pushed myself to become more self-aware and thereby more aware of others. (though I'm still pretty poor at both)
* Even though I live on my own I still cry sometimes because I miss my mother.
* I hand wrote all the HTML tags in this document.
* I've liked something which a majority of people claimed was either bad or weird.
* I have been clinically dead for a brief period of time.
* Instead of feeling sympathy/empathy with people and their problems, I simply become annoyed. (sometimes)
* I am a virgin. (not sure if I wish I were or not. . .)
* I participate/have participated in auto drag races and won.
* I do not 'get' most comedy acts. (I'm not too big on comedy)
* I don't think strippers are money-greedy or slutty for dancing. (I also have respect for prostitutes. XD)
* I don't like to chew gum.
* I am obsessed with history/historical things and can't wait for someone to build a time machine so I can be the first to use it.
* I can never remember for the life of me where I parked the car. (don't rub it in x_x)
* Had the TEEN ANGST thing going for at least 2-3 years.
* Wish people would be more empathic and honest with each other.
* I play Dungeons and Dragons weekly.
* I love to sing. ("I will take you as you are, please accept me as I am. . . find your lonely life bizarre, know it's above you; I know it's below me. . .")
* I want to live in my mother's basement when I grow up.
* I have a custom-built computer. (Alienware, bitchez!)
* I'm Irish. (Irish Scandinavian, dahling~)
* I only have one parent due to either a divorce or death.
* I was born premature by three or more months.
* I'm part Mexicasian.
* My dreams are sometimes so realistic that I have to ask the people I dreamed about if it really happened.
* I like coconuts.
* I am currently role-playing. And do a scene almost nightly.
* I am convinced that I have created a character who is my true alter-ego. (just a kitty cat ._.)
* I think differently from everyone I know and am often misunderstood/hated because of it. (too much of a realist--no one wants to believe the truth about things)
* I procrastinate often.
* I have used Linux/MacOS on a desktop before, or use it regularly. (Mac can be good.)
* I have a favourite periodic element. (Zinc or Selenium.)
* I have, at one point, watched over 26 consecutive episodes of a favorite anime series. (Probably of Ranma? Maybe not that many.)
* I know and accept that I am in denial.

Mm. . .

I really want to get better at DDR, and figure out what I'm going to do about. . . everything, lately. . . and just become a better person in general.

DDR. Figure things out. Better person.

I think that's all. ^^;

5:19 AM and I can't sleep.

It's been a week (though not to the hour) since DSS took Steve away. I haven't heard from him, and it's been really painful. I have been affected by mood swings more violent than usual (going from super-peppy to angry to sobbing), dulled emotions and a constant feeling of numbed boredom/pointlessness, a lacking of the ability to look at couples, and insomnia that worsens each night. At first it was the usual stupid crap--2:00, maybe 3:00 AM--but it's becoming later and later. It seems since yesterday (when I finally managed to fall asleep at 6:30, though I'd tried an hour earlier) that I can only sleep when the sun is shining, and as it's raining today, this worries me.

Today was an okay day otherwise. I went to see Mission Impossible 3 with Sam, Conor and Conor's girlfriend Nicki (I hope I spelled that right). I cried when main character guy's wife was taken (because I am a damaged little pansy), but it was a really good movie. Pirates of the Carribean 2 comes out on July 7th, and maybe Steve will be back by then, and we can see it together. It looked REALLY GOOD. So did The Break Up, but that's already out, and I want to see it with Steve. . .

I break down crying when I think of how easy it was to see him when he was here. I already can't remember so well his smell, or the softness of his skin, or the taste of his kiss. Even his gorgeous eyes are a blurred memory. . . if I could just hear his voice, if I could just know that he was alright, I don't think this would hurt so much.

I hate it because I know I am completely helpless, a feeling I've known all too well, and I don't know for how long or how helpless I really am.

5:28 AM - I'm going to try to sleep again.

I don't think there's anything for me to look forward to in the next. . . year and a half, I'd say.

I really need to frickin' get some work done so I can pass my classes. It seems simple enough, but it's hard for me. Please don't say anything in response to that statement. I don't care what everyone thinks, because it's hard for me. Probably not for you, which is good 'cuz you'll excel in life, but for me it really is.

I can drive people now, as of Saturday, but it doesn't matter because my parents are making all of these crazy new rules. Like, if I'm late for school, we won't give Steve a ride home after he comes over.

There has been death and rebirth in my house. My dell desktop died, as you know--and now our kitchen is being demolished and rebuilt. It's so cold in my room now, without my desktop--really cold and really dark. I don't like it much now. And we don't have a kitchen for a while, but I kind of like it. All of our food and stuff is packed into our dining room, pantry-type stuff on a small set of shelves in the living room. In the dining room, we have a mini-fridge, microwave, coffee-maker and an icebox. There's food spread out on the dining table, too. The kitchen is empty. It's plain and simple, with a light wood floor, and I like being in there. Everything feels simpler.

Our old appliances and some of the cabinets are in our back yard. The stove's cords are hanging out, and the fridge has been dismantled, doors laying nearby in the snow or propped against the fridge's sides. The drawers have been ripped out and may or may not still be somewhere in the heap. It's almost depressing, seeing seventeen years of my life disemboweled and thrown out into the cold. I should take pictures. But maybe if I don't, I'll forget about it and it'll go away. . .

Most of my friends are excited because seniors graduate a month or so early, so I keep my fists clenched in silent prayer that I'll be graduating with my class.

I don't think summer will really matter, though, because I should probably get a full-time job, and Steve will probably be going away to Russia or whatever, anyway. He's going away to Jamaica next vacation, I think. I really hate it when he goes away. It really makes me just want to try to fall asleep for all of vacation. . .

Laurel always ends up away, too, and Kep ends up somehow irritated with me, or just forgetting about me. It's really depressing. Every day I sleep in until mid-afternoon, hoping someone will call--I end up hanging out with my fun, generic, Needham friends maybe once or twice, and feel really unfulfilled when vacation ends.

Speaking of ending, class just did.

My harddrive crashed over vacation and four years of files are, almost definitely, lost. My parents say they'll try to find some data recovery service, but Mason can't even get my system to run with Linux now, so it's doubtful any service will be able to save my files. If it is possible, it will probably be extremely expensive, and my parents may just refuse. I know I'm stupid for being so hurt, for not backing up ALL of my files when Mason told me to [I only backed up my music and Bleach, because I only have a CD burner and backing up even such a small percent of my files was very time-consuming], but it's really hard for me. It hurts really, really badly. There were pictures there that were memories; Laurel and I dressed as men for Halloween with facial hair painted on in mascara; Steve and I from my sophomore year when we both attended NHS, sitting at the lunch table, he with his hand on my waist length, blue streaked hair, both of us smiling so largely I didn't think it was possible; Tokumei, my now-dead hamster, all fluffy and clean and so alive. There was so much happiness contained in that data; things that could instantaneously make me smile or make me cry.

I threatened, and seriously considered, suicide once or twice. It's like a piece of my life is gone. It's almost the same as after my hamster died; in the same fashion that there was no longer a wheel going "tickticktickrumble" all night long, there is no longer a dull glow and the mutter of music from the corner of my room. It's just DARK now.

I'm sorry for being melodramatic, I'm sorry for letting such stupid things ruin my life, especially when it's my fault for not backing up my files and even I know it is. I really do feel a slight emptiness now, though, as if a small piece of my life has been ripped away from me.

If you really hate me for this entry, please just pretend you never read it, for my sake.

My life has got to be the most boring life of anyone I know. I even get in trouble and am punished in the most boring ways. Like right now, I have seven hours of detention for being tardy to class quite a few times and cutting one class. It doesn't get much more boring than that. I felt horrible because I told Steve I'd try to meet him in the center of town and I ended up not being able to because of, yet again, the seven hours of detention.

I want to go to Steve's school, and if I can't, I want to stop going to school altogether. There's no point in being here, in making my best efforts simply to fail. I mean, I probably deserve to be stuck here for not stepping out of the line I march and making my life less boring, but I'd like to think that I don't.

Anyway, I waxed my eyebrows off (although if you really want to get technical, she and her friend Rachel waxed them for me) while I was at Laurel's house over the weekend. She also dyed my hair dark pink. I think that my face looks nicer without eyebrows, although I have gotten a lot of reactions--most were of shock, approving or not. My face looks a lot smoother. I feel less flawed. And anyway, it feels like now that such an artificial layer is gone, maybe people will be able to better see me, and not just the unappealing mask and the unsatisfactory body I've been given for this life.

Alright, I'm tired of writing now. ADHD strikes. Maybe I'll write later, maybe not.

I don't feel like getting yelled at by the crazy librarian lady again, anyway.

Stolen from misatheredpanda and I'm too lazy to remember how to do the thing with the name and the linking to the journal and the little head and stuff.

In one try, try to type your name/nickname with your..

FINGERS: Kes
CHIN: kewsw
ONE FINGER WITH EYES CLOSED: Kes
ELBOW: mkiedzsx
LIPS: mes
PALM: keeeeeeeeeeeeeeees
BACK OF HAND: jkes
NOSE: kes
TONGUE: es

Well, that was...

interesting. o_o

I wish I had some amazing, interesting, critical-yet-sensitive, analytical, philosophical, thoughtful person to read my livejournal.

I mean, I guess Steve is like that. I'm sure I have other friends who are all of those things. But none of them comment (not complaining--I never comment myself), and a few of them don't even (know that it exists or) read my livejournal. I guess I'd like sort of...an English teacher. To read my livejournal.

Maybe I need more Steves. Maybe I just want more input in general. Maybe I'm looking for something impossible or I just want more stimulation than is possible. But I really love writing.

I want to make it big in writing. I want someone, some stranger, to read my journal, maybe an adult, maybe just someone wise, and to say, wow, this is really good. You got at some good points here. Or you word things well. Or what you wrote really touched me.

I guess I, like every human, want to feel appreciated. I want attention without having to roll over and beg for it, because what good is appreciation if it isn't real? And maybe I'm not an amazing writer; I know I'm no Shakespeare and I don't aim to be. But I wish someone would tell me that.

It hurts, but I think for once I just want someone to tell me I suck.

If you haven't yet...

Please~ sign the "save the hide museum" petition! http://www.petitiononline.com/gt347981/petition.html

Tell your friends, too.

It'd mean the world to me. ^^o

The first time I talked to Steve, I told him about how I was in love with my best friend who happened to be a girl and also with the most popular boy in my grade who is now gay (isn’t it funny the way relationships begin?) I was confused because I thought that I might like Steve, too. He was so charming. The way he took it all in and spoke with me made me even more attracted to the person he was.

I thought he was so strong, so smooth, so amazing, in the way he was able to rationalize things and make them seem so simple. Oddly enough, even in the hard times he’s seen lately, I still see him in the same light. Our conversations make me feel light-hearted as though I am back in my late sophomore year, when everything made perfect sense and was all about feeling good. The sound of his voice erases all of the problems, pain and confusion from my mind. When I’m speaking to him, it’s as if I could take on (and beat the living daylight out of) all of the metaphorical demons in my head. It’s like we have our own world in which we are untouchable, unbeatable, and invincible.

I know that living in a fantasy world is a horrible way to go through life, but I find that a little bit here and there can be harmless at the least, and at times quite therapeutic. ^_^

Me: Can I take your laptop with me…? ::timid look::
Dad: No, I’m gonna be using it this Saturday.
Me: Why?
Mom: It doesn’t matter why! He said he’s going to need it!

I hate it how my stupid bitch of a mother always makes other people’s business her own.

If you were wondering about the massive amount of entries, no, your computer did not lag out three days of my life until now XD I just today discovered that the lobby of our hotel has wireless internet, and so I posted all of the "journal entries" I typed on dad's laptop, labeling them with the date and time each was created (the same way livejournal does; labeling an entry with is the time it is started). So, yeah, read my entries if you want. They may be somewhat overwhelming; they're overwhelming to me, too, because I was so horrified with the way I complained about some people that I even had to censor about a third of an entry (or was it more like a half...?) Anyway, I miss you all much, much, much. I'll try to sign on AIM after this. I've been downloading AMVs; it'll be nice to have something to watch on Dad's laptop.

So much for AIM! I gotta go to antique stores in Woodstock (not the one with the famous rock festival, that one's in Connecticut; this one is New Hampshire). If you can't bear to be without me any longer, read the entries I posted!

Ta-ta!

Try not to be personally offended. I <3 you all, and I realize that I have my fuck-ups, too. <3

I think that sometimes when I feel hurt, I get angry. I don’t know how to tell people how I feel. I can’t just say, look, I know what you’re doing is totally logical, but I wish it weren’t. I wish I could. I wish I could just work that lump out of my throat and say what I want to, instead of feeling the dulled sadness in my voice as I say goodbye before hanging up the phone.

The thing is, Steve, I feel so close and yet so far. From you, I guess. From everything being perfect. But it would be a huge risk. And neither of us wants such a risk, huh?

I want so much for once in my life to fall asleep with you. Earlier I told Conor and he said it would be so cute. I’m sorry for crying now. I’m sorry for wanting you to do impossible things. I sound so stupid when I sob; it’s like this stupid whimpering followed by snorting.

If I am so in love, why are my eyes so familiar with the feeling of tears cooling in the air?

Why do I cry myself to sleep when I can’t listen to your soothing voice?